Disclaimer: The views and opinions in this talk are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Brigham Young University or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Preserving Relationships With Those Who Turn Away
My dear sisters and brothers. I’m grateful and humbled for this opportunity to be here with you in this setting to talk about a delicate subject. I’m appreciative to the many family members and friends that have shared with me their thoughts and experiences that have added to my presentation. As has already been announced, the topic we have been given is “Preserving Relationships with Those Who Turn Away.” Since receiving this topic I’ve been mindful to avoid first impressions that might lead to incorrect conclusions.
I share with many of you the experience of
friends and loved ones turning from the gospel. Coping with the initial
feelings caused by their departure is difficult. We may feel devastated, believe
that all is lost, and that their departure is a tragedy. We may feel confused,
hurt, and even betrayed. Our initial response to their individual apostasy may
be that we must now focus on turning them back and preach the gospel of
repentance to them even more forcefully than ever before. However, such
feelings, if not carefully sorted, may inappropriately cast a final judgment on
the one departing and cause us to forget the wondrous plan that God has
provided for the salvation of ALL His children, including the wicked, the
unrepentant, the rebellious, the unforgiving, and the children who never come
to partake of Fruit of the Tree of Life.
It is easy to say that “love” is the
prompting motive of our actions and why we desire to have the best relationship
with those who turn away. But do we truly love them, or are our statements of
love lip service only when we are quick to pass judgment. In many cases, we are
unable to avoid having a relationship with those who have fallen away; they are
our family and friends. They may push us away but we must be wise to not push
back and alienate. The question we must address is "what kind of a
relationship are we going to have?" Importantly, when answering this
question, we mustn't allow our finite, mortal thinking cause us to forget the
grand, eternal perspective.
So I would like take a few minutes to
discuss the eternal perspective of lost ones.
When a loved one turns away, gospel
principles such as 1) "do not procrastinate the day of your
repentance" and 2) "this life is the time for men to prepare to meet
God" come immediately to mind. Though these are true principles, they
should not be considered independent of those other gospel principles that
confirm that this life isn't the end of life. The apostle Paul declared: “If
in this life only we have hope in
Christ, we are of all men most miserable” (1 Cor. 15:19). If we view our
loved ones only from a mortal perspective, then our hope for them, indeed, will
be most miserable. But, if we will have eyes to see, ears that hear, and hearts
that feel, then our reaching will reach their reaching even if they NEVER
return to the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Over the next few minutes, I ask, as you
think upon your relationships with others, that you look beyond this mortality into
the eternities that await us. I pray that our understanding of the doctrine
will 1) change our behavior, if needed, 2) cause us to be less judgmental of
others, and 3) give room in our hearts for a love of ALL men, regardless of the
choices they make or how they choose to live out their lives. “Judgment is mine, saith the Lord” (Mormon 8:20). He knows the
individual circumstances, desires, and hearts of those who have turned away;
and His eternal purposes shall roll on, until all his promises shall be fulfilled
(Mormon 8:22). No soul with a sincere heart and true desires shall be cast
aside.
In a talk entitled “The Brilliant Morning
of Forgiveness” given in 1995, Elder Boyd K. Packer related the following
experience:
"Some years ago I
was in Washington, D.C., with President Harold B. Lee. Early one morning
he called me to come into his hotel room. He was sitting in his robe reading
Gospel Doctrine, by President Joseph F. Smith, and he said, “Listen to this!
“‘Jesus had not finished his work when his body was slain, neither did he finish it after his resurrection from the dead; although he had accomplished the purpose for which he then came to the earth, he had not fulfilled all his work. And when will he? Not until he has redeemed and saved every son and daughter of our father Adam that have been or ever will be born upon this earth to the end of time, except the sons of perdition. That is his mission. We will not finish our work until we have saved ourselves, and then not until we shall have saved all depending upon us; for we are to become saviors upon Mount Zion, as well as Christ. We are called to this mission.’”
“There is never a time,” the Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “when the spirit is too old to approach God. All are within the reach of pardoning mercy, who have not committed the unpardonable sin. ”
And so we pray, and we fast, and we plead, and we implore. We love those who wander, and we never give up hope." (Elder Boyd K Packer, "The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness" General Conference Address, 1995).
How
is it, as this quotation suggests, that every living being from Adam to the end
of time, except the sons of perdition, shall be redeemed and saved? Let's
explore some scriptures...
These
verses teach that it is the truth, which is God’s word
and law, that sanctifies and it is evident from Doctrine and Covenants 88:21
that this particular verse is speaking of sanctification in the Celestial
Kingdom.
Does
this mean that only those of the celestial realm receive a sanctification or
cleansing? I do not think so.
In
speaking of those in spirit prison, or “those in darkness under the bondage of
sin in the great world of the spirits of the dead” (DC 138:57) Section 138: 58-59 teach that the dead who repent and have
paid the penalty for their transgression will be redeemed,
washed clean, shall receive
a reward, and are heirs of salvation.
Doctrine
and Covenants 88:35 warns that we must be willing to abide by law in order to
be sanctified by law.
The
next verse, although short, states a key doctrine concerning what we are
talking about. Verse 36 states:
"All kingdoms have a law given."
Verses
37 and 38 expound on this further but in essence stated in more detail that
every kingdom has a law given. Think about this for a second. Recall that verse
35 teaches that those who are willing to abide by law, are sanctified by law.
Thus,
salvation and sanctification is more than a celestial concept. Those who choose
to abide by law, must, as these scriptures teach, be sanctified by law and they
become heirs of salvation.
Furthermore,
versus 29-31 teach that all will be quickened by a portion of the glory they
are worthy of; And, that even though they may be worthy of a portion, they will
receive a fulness of that kingdom.
Speaking
about the telestial glory, Section 76:110-112 teaches that the inhabitants of
this glory will confess the divinity of the Savior,
receive according to his own work “his own dominion, in the
mansions… prepared”, and “shall be servants of
the Most High”.
Speaking
of all the Kingdoms of Heaven, Doctrine and Covenant 88:44-47 states that each
of these Kingdoms, symbolized by the sun, moon, and stars, "give their
light, as they roll upon their wings in their glory, in the midst of the power
of God" and are proof of "God moving in his majesty and power."
So
to sum up, those who inherit the lower kingdoms will:
1. Be quickened
(which means they will be resurrected and given a glorious immortality)
2. Be washed clean (which
means they will be justified--at some point, declared clean through the
Savior's atonement, having acknowledged Him and put faith in Him.)
3. Be sanctified (meaning
they are made holy through the Lord's grace, to whatever extent they are worthy
and except the gift).
4. Be heirs of salvation
(They are saved from an everlasting Hell in the realm of Satan).
5. Receive a fulness of the
kingdom they are worthy of.
6. Confess the divinity of
Jesus Christ (There are no eternal atheists, for "every knee shall bow and
every tongue confess")
7. Shed forth light for the
glory of God
8. Be servants of the Most
High (They will work for God's glory along with those of the other kingdoms)
These
wondrous blessing come because of the mercy of a loving Heavenly Father. His
plan of salvation is a plan of success for all His children. He wants the best
for them and I believe He will choose for each one the most opportune time to
present the gospel to them. For many, that time is after this life. He will
save each to the highest degree that they are willing to be saved. Even if they
may not be in the celestial kingdom, any kingdom is a tremendous gift.
Doctrine
and Covenants 76:40-43 states
40 And this is the gospel, the glad
tidings, which the voice out of the heavens bore record unto us--
41 That he came into the world, even
Jesus, to be crucified for the world, and to bear the sins of the world, and to
sanctify the world, and to cleanse it from all unrighteousness;
42 That through him all might be saved
whom the Father had put into his power and made by him;
43 Who glorifies the Father, and saves all
the works of his hands, except those sons of perdition who deny the Son after
the Father has revealed him.
As
I hope has been illustrated, each kingdom of glory in the heavens is essential
in the plan of salvation. Each is requisite in maintaining order in God’s plan.
The Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial are welded together, each working
together to accomplish God’s purposes in bringing salvation to His children and
furthering His work. This correlation between kingdoms is illustrated in our
temples.
The
scriptures teach, “Let not the head say unto the feet it hath no need of the
feet; for without the feet how shall the body be able to stand? Also the body
hath need of every member, that all may be edified together, that the system
may be kept perfect.” (DC 84:109-10)
Hopefully,
these doctrines, help us to understand why it is so important for us to do what
we can to maintain good relationships with loved ones who turn away. They were
our sisters and brothers in the premortal life, they are our sisters and
brothers here, and they will remain our sisters and brothers in the next life.
In many ways we have been quick to pass judgement on those who turn away or
don’t think like we do. We need to more fully understand the sealing powers we
received in the temple and trust that if we remain true and faithful and keep
those relationships the best we can, our children remain ours too work with in
the kingdoms of heaven forever. What profiteth us if we burn bridges here when
our relationships in the next life are so essential for God's plan to function
with perfection.
As
President Harold B. Lee pointed out, our work is never finished. We cannot,
therefore discount those who turn away as not part of the heirs of salvation.
Because of this welding of the kingdoms of heaven we must never look at others
as outside the grasp of His mercy, for every glory in His kingdom is evidence
of His mercy. Therefore, as covenant Israel, we each have the responsibility,
and obligation to those who are our sisters and brothers…no matter what path
they choose to take in this life.
When
I was a kid, we raised sheep. There are many valuable lessons you can learn
from raising sheep. Perhaps that's why the Savior used them so much in His
teachings. I'd like to illustrate 3 principles I learned while raising sheep
and maybe we can see from these how we should maintain our relationship with
our loved ones.
First,
our loved ones need to know and feel that we love them. During lambing there
were always bummer lambs that were rejected by their mothers for some reason or
another. It became the responsibility of us children to take care of these
bummer lambs. Feeding them became quite a touching experience. At first we
tried just holding the bottle of milk down to them trying to get them to drink.
This wasn't successful. We learned that we had to get down on the ground and
hold the lamb close in our arms and feed them much like you would a baby. Our
wayward children simply need to know they are loved. We need to hold them close
and help them feel of our love.
Second,
if something goes wrong we must be careful to react appropriately. Our initial
thoughts of how to react may be the wrong choice. Early one cold morning we
found three newly born lambs that had been rejected by their mother. At first
glance we thought they were dead, for the laid frozen on the ground. On closer
inspection, we noticed that they were still barely breathing. We made quick,
rash decisions and decided we needed to quickly warm them up. So naturally, we
decided to put them in the oven. We placed them on the racks and set the oven
to, I think, 250 degrees. On the farm there's always work to do and always a
lot of fun to have and distractions are easy to come by. It wasn't before long
that the lambs were forgotten about but only until someone came into the house
and smelt the lamb chops cooking. Well, we opened the oven expecting the worst.
Surprisingly, all three lambs were still alive but now they were in a more dire
circumstance than before. As we removed them from the racks we found that the
thin skin of their tiny legs had seared to the metal and the skin teared away
from the bone. It was a very sad circumstance. But we were still determined to
save these lambs and this time we were more wise with our decisions. We wrapped
them in towels and set them near the fire. We tended to the deep wounds we had
caused which took quite a while to heal. Miraculously, after weeks of tender
loving care, the three little lambs were running and playing and growing
strong. We must be careful how we react with loved ones who turn away. The best
thing to do may simply be to do what we can to help them feel comfortable
around us. Don't be to quick to try and fix what we may see as a problem. After
awhile, they will understand we have concern for them and genuinely love them.
If we make mistakes, sincerely apologize, make corrections, and show forth
love.
This
leads to the third lesson I learned with the sheep. You can't force them to follow
where you want them to go. There were many times I would try to force the many
lambs I cared for where I wanted them to go. If you pushed or pulled, they
would resist. These three lambs which almost died twice, once from the elements
and once because of our rash decision, became dear to our hearts. We became
their surrogate mothers. We recognized the wrong decisions we made and
corrected them. I established a bond with these lambs. They came to know they
could trust me and whenever I came out to the barnyard, all I would need to do
is whistle and they would come running and follow me wherever I went.
We
must love our children who turn away and never impose on their agency. The
other day a friend of mine told me of a fantasy book he would love to write
entitled, "Agency, and How to Enforce It." Imposing on another's
agency when they are making wrong choices, in what I have observed, is probably
the hardest thing to avoid doing. But we must never forget that the methods of
Satan will never be the Lord’s way. We cannot force God’s will for it isn’t His
will to do so. Each and every soul must come unto Christ through his or her own
choosing. When we impose upon ones agency to follow gospel principles, neither
the principle of obedience nor the principles of the gospel are learned. We
sometimes must step aside, completely, and allow the Lord to do His work with
His children. He knows them best. Much better than us. We must be willing to
accept anything the Lord will do to help them come unto Him.
President
Eyring taught that when we "...pray with faith to know what we are to do,
...we must pray with the determination to obey.” (Eyring, The Family, BYU
Address, 5 Nov. 1995)
The
answer that may come is to step back and leave it in the hands of the Lord. It
may be hard but we must do it and accept what He requires.
How
would the principles learned from the stories of the prodigal son and Alma the
Younger change if their fathers had reacted differently to their son’s
circumstance. For instance, what understanding would be lost if, when Alma the
Younger’s body was placed before his father, and he were to rant at and curse
God for doing this to his son?
A
few years ago one of my sons was really struggling. He had moved out to college
and after a little while we got the impression that things weren’t quite right.
He had become less-active in church and was struggling with life. All we could
do was pray that he might feel our love and the love God has for him. We did
what we could by inviting him to be with us on the weekends and sometimes he
came. There was nothing more we could teach for we had taught all we could. All
we could do now was love him and be willing to accept the Lord’s will.
That
December we were visiting my wife’s parents in West Jordon. It began to snow
pretty hard as we were getting ready to leave. We had driven two vehicles
because my son was thinking he may need to leave early in order to get to a
party. We ended up leaving at the same time, my wife and I with a few of our
children in my truck and three of my sons in the other car. I counseled my son
to drive slow and be careful. As I turned to go to my truck, the Spirit
whispered to me that they would be in an accident. My immediate thought was to
turn around and switch drivers. I would drive the car and my wife would drive
the truck. As I turned to announce the switch, the Spirit whispered again and
told me to let it go. I thought, “Let it go? How can I do that?” I hesitated
for a moment and considered not to obey the prompting but then told my son
again to drive safely. As my wife and I approached American Fork her phone
began to ring. I told her it was our son and that he’d been in an accident. As
we came upon the accident in south Orem, I noticed the car in the left lane
facing the wrong direction. Fortunately no other cars were involved. He had
spun out of control and slammed into the center barrier. I pulled up next the
car, quickly scanning each of my sons to see if anyone was hurt. Fortunately
everyone one was OK… just shook up a bit. I saw the devastation on my son’s
face. When I got out of the car he came up and hugged me, told me he was sorry
and how scared he was for his other brothers in the car. It had been a long
time that he'd hugged me before then.
This
experience changed lives, most in particular my son’s life, and my life. In
that moment my son recognized, more than before, the importance of family and
the gospel in his life. He recommitted himself to living the gospel, putting
family first and decided to prepare for a mission for which he left 6 months
later. He is now happily married and a righteous husband. This experience also
created a needed changed me and helped me to find a better focus in my life and
improve my feelings toward and the way I interacted with my children. We make
mistakes as we’re trying to raise our children and I had made plenty. When we
make mistakes, it’s important that we acknowledge them and sincerely apologize.
We then make the changes necessary. As we do this the Lord will be there to
guide and direct and offer comfort in our feelings of inadequacy.
Stepping
aside and allowing the Lord to do what He will is a hard thing to do. We’re
afraid of physical pain and anguish. I am so grateful that I didn’t succumb to
my own will but chose to let the Lord do what He will. We must be willing to
let go of our own will and accept whatever the Lord sees necessary.
I quote a poem from an unknown author…
As
children bring their broken toys
With
tears for us to mend,
I
brought my broken dreams to God
Because
He was my friend.
But
then instead of leaving Him
In
peace to work alone,
I
hung around and tried to help
With
ways that were my own.
At
last I snatched them back and cried,
“How
could you be so slow?”
“My
child,” He said, “What could I do?
You
never did let go.”
We
mustn't forget that before they were ours, they were the Lords, and they remain
His forever. He knows them perfectly. However much love concern we have for
them, He has so much more. We must put our trust in Him in our own lives and in
theirs.
In
the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
